Some stuff happens differently and everyone just sort of accepts it
by fdsa4321
Summary: From when Kaguya first graced the Earth to the era after Boruto and Kawaki's climatic battle, ninja history has been pretty formulaic. Blah blah Sage of 6 Paths blah blah Asura vs Indra blah blah Rinnegan blah blah Will of Fire blah blah Reincarnation etc. So instead of that crap, we'll delve into the wonderful and wacky world of parodies; 4th wall be damned.
1. A Crunchyroll is probably burnt

_**This is a bunch of stories that will be posted in whatever order I feel like.**_

 _ **Almost all ships that aren't canon will be played jokes, so please don't go to the review section and smash your face on the keyboard and type "OH MY FUCKING GOD BORUTO AND HANABI TRULY LOVE EACH OTHER ROMANTICALLY AND SARADA AND SUMIRE ARE JUST USELESS FUCKING BITCHES WHO DESERVE TO BE TORTURED BY TSUKUYOMI FOR 100 BILLION BILLION BILLION YEARS SO THOSE TWO AND BORUTO SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE TOGETHER!1111ONE111" because I don't intend on anyone getting together. Considering people got tried to get Naruto banned when Naruto and Hinata had unprotected sex twice and popped out Boruto and Himawari in addition to getting together, I feel like this is a fair disclaimer.**_

 _ **Also the fourth wall may or may not exist depending on the substory**_

 **Substory One: Crunchyrolls are usually Burnt**

* * *

Boruto Uzumaki, 13 years old, is a Konohagakure Genin. He likes video games and his mother's home-made food. He also likes his mentor's daughter, Sarada Uchi-

"No way! She's annoying!"

He likes the former class representative, Sumire Ka-

"Can you not?!"

He has an Imouto complex-

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUP UT SHUT UP-"

"Boruto, who are you talking to?" asked his bewildered lover, Sarada.

"EXCUSE ME?! LOVER?"

"Just get a room together," snarked the creepy snake boy, who was utterly and unequivocally correct in his remark.

"Thanks, but I'd prefer if you didn't call me that."

"Who are you?!" asked Boruto.

Boruto and his teammates suddenly forgot about this encou-

"ANSWER ME!"

All of a sudden Boruto decided to passionately kiss Sa-

"SCREW YOU!"

And the two lovers assaulted the perfectly innocent-

"STOP TELLING LIES!"

And then the narrator heard the sound of several of their bones crunching.

"And they decided to stop telling lies and get on with the story," said Mitsuki.

* * *

One day, on a laptop he borrowed from his friend Denki, Boruto was trying to mastur-

"YOU'D BETTER KNOCK IT OFF!"

-master his father's Jutsu, the Rasenshuriken, by watching documentaries on Chakra control and elemental chakra.

But then he stumbled across a peculiar website.

"What kind of name is Crunchyroll?!"

And he saw several series of animated television shows. Being the curious person he is, he decided to click on one.

" **My name is Ichigo Kurosaki. I'm 15 years old, so I'm a high school student…"**

"High School?" thought Boruto. "The hell is that?"

" **My family runs a medical clinic here in town. Maybe because we're entrusted with the lives of the living, I'm not sure; but for as long as I can remember, I've been able to see the souls of the dearly departed."**

"Interesting…" remarked Boruto.

That day, he binged the first two seasons of the series. He found it enticing. Maybe it was because of the unique setting or the plot, or the fact that Rangiku's chest area was so-

"DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN?!"

"IT'S 3 AM, GO TO BED!" exclaimed the rest of his household.

And so he slept, paying no heed to the absolutely irresistible-

"YOU GO TO BED TOO!"

Zzzzz…..

* * *

The next day, Boruto talked to his friends about what he had watched.

"And then he swung his sword and shouted 'Getsuga Tenshou!' and out came a huge-ass slash of energy!"

"That sounds like something we could do with chakra blades," replied Shikadai. "But it would be so troublesome to get them."

"And wouldn't it require years of training to master?" asked Inojin.

"You're right," noted Boruto. "But we can try, right?"

"No harm in trying," replied Inojin.

And so the trio tried, and were promptly kicked out. Apparently "I'm the Hokage's son" didn't work in some situations.

"So what else does this website have?" asked Inojin.

"I actually haven't checked it out that much," replied Boruto. "But I feel like there's more cool stuff to check out."

"Might as well, if it isn't too troublesome," said the machine that says "troublesome".

"I'm not even gonna justify that with a response," responded the machine that says "troublesome".

"But you just responded," replied Inojin.

"I don't even care," said the machine that says "troublesome". "Maybe if I accept it this will stop."

"Whatever," said Naruto's son. "I'm gonna see if this series called 'Death Note' is any interesting."

"I guess I'll watch with you," replied Shikadai.

"Same here," said Inojin.

So then, over the course of 2 weeks, they watched Death Note, and although they were creeped out by its aesthetic, the trio still enjoyed it.

"Dude, I still can't believe what happened at the end with Ryuk and Light," said Boruto.

"I'm still surprised that Light managed to kill L," replied Inojin.

"Oh please," snarked Shikadai. "If you think about it logically-"

Shikadai decided to shut-

"I was trying to-"

"Wait, what the hell? What's with this art?" asked Inojin, who was watching some bizarre series about a British family. "I love the style, it's so clean and-"

Inojin decided to try and draw Jotaro and-

"Clean and-"

"What are you guys doing with the Laptop?" asked Boruto's girlfriend.

"CAN YOU STOP?!" exclaimed the love-

"CHANNAROOOOO!" exclaimed the currently pregnant Sarada as she lunged at-

"WAIT, YOU'RE PREGNANT?!" exclaimed Chocho.

Sarada was in fact pregnant with Boruto's child-

 _BOOM!_

And the narrator decided to shut up since they knew that their health insurance wouldn't cover a third surgery and blood transfusion.

"But for real, are you pregnant?"

"No," replied Sarada. "I don't even like Boruto like that."

"BULLSHIT!" cried half of the fanbase.

"BORUTO BELONGS WITH SUMIRE!" cried the other half.

"NO, HE BELONGS WITH HIMAWARI!" screamed one morbidly obese man with a fedora.

"OREIMO WAS SHIT!" exclaimed most of the fanbase.

Then one particularly insane man spoke up.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD BORUTO AND HANABI TRULY LOVE EACH OTHER ROMANTICALLY AND SARADA AND SUMIRE ARE JUST USELESS FUCKING BITCHES WHO DESERVE TO BE TORTURED BY TSUKUYOMI FOR 100 BILLION BILLION BILLION YEARS SO THOSE TWO AND BORUTO SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE TOGETHER!1111ONE111"

People just stared at the man in awe.

Then someone else screamed "NARUTO AND SAKURA SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN TOGETHER!"

This sparked a huge brawl at the first American Naruto Fan Celebration in Los Angeles, California.

Meanwhile, Masashi Kishimoto just sighed.

"I wish I wrote a masterpiece like that Gorilla did."

* * *

"Who the hell are those people?" asked Boruto.

"Beats me," replied Sarada. "But what are you guys doing on that computer?"

"We found this site called Crunchyroll," replied Boruto.

"Crunchyroll?" asked Chocho. "I think you'd only get a Crunchy Roll if you burn it."

"WHO ELSE BUT CHOCHO?" exclaimed Boruto.

Everyone began to laugh out loud. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"Can you stop?" asked Sarada.

"That joke wasn't even that funny," said Chocho.

"Crunchyroll has these shows about different stuff," said Inojin. "We just watched one where this guy could write people's names on a notebook and they'd die."

"Hmm, anything else," asked Chocho. "That sounds kind of creepy…"

Boruto browsed for a few seconds, then he click on something excitedly.

"MY GOD THEY LOOK SO DELICIOUS!" he exclaimed.

This caught the attention of the other four people around Boruto.

At that moment, they saw a woman eating a delicious meal of some sort, and then watched in horror as her clothes exploded, revealing a fanservicey figure.

"What were you referring to?" deadpanned Sarada.

"Yes," replied Boruto.

"I mean, it does look delicious," said Chocho. "Might as well watch it."

And so they watched it, and stopped after a few episodes because they were literally watching food porn.

For the next few days, they'd try to watch a series and would get bored of it. They went through a series about pirates (too slow), a series about basketball (what even is basketball?), a whole bunch of series about pretty boys piloting giant robots (too generic and cliche), and even a series about a Samurai with a perm (that one was actually pretty funny, but far too long), before finally stumbling upon something relatable.

"That village looks like Konoha," said Boruto. "And it looks like it's being destroyed by 6 orange haired men."  
"And they all have red clouds on their cloaks," continued Sarada. "Maybe they're a criminal syndicate."

"Wait, is that the Hokage Monument?!" exclaimed Chocho. "And there's Inojin's dad!"

"That's Lord Sixth," said Shikadai. "And he has a Sharingan for some reason."

"Artistic liberty, perhaps?" inquired Inojin.

"Oh my god, the orange haired dude just ripped out Aunty Shizune's soul!" exclaimed Sarada.

"Wait, is that mom?" asked Inojin.

"And my mom as well," said Boruto.

"And that's my mom," replied Sarada. "But I think she'd remember fighting some sort of Origami person."

"Did that dude just take out four ninja with one jutsu?!" exclaimed Boruto. "Dude, I wanna learn that!"

And then they realized something.

"Holy shit…" said the children/teens/tweens/little bastards.

"WE RESENT THAT!" exclaimed the group of deadly ninja who could break the narrator's bones in 4 seconds flat.

"Is that really him?" asked Sarada, in awe.

"I can't believe it," said Boruto. "It's-"

"Boruto's Dad."

* * *

 **オマケ**

"Guys, I actually got a giant sword from that weapons lady!" shouted Boruto, excitedly.

"Time to see if you can actually do that thing you were talking about," replied Shikadai.

"How are you lifting that thing?!" exclaimed Inojin, in disbelief.

"Dunno, but here goes," said Boruto, who lifted monstrously huge sword.

"Getsuga..."

He channeled a fair amount of Chakra into the blade, and the wind around him began to swirl violently.

"TENSHO!"

He slashed downward, and a huge wave of energy shaped like his slash was expelled from the sword, bifurcating all of what was in its path.

Including his neighbor's house, and the house after his neighbor's house.

And the house after that one.

And the house after that one.

 **And the house after that one.**

"At least I'll die knowing I created a cool jutsu," sighed Boruto.

"Remind me where you got that all that chakra again?" asked Shikadai.

"Dunno," replied Boruto.


	2. Is it 'FwB' if you're married?

_**Substory Two: Is it 'friends with benefits' if you're married?**_

 _ **Due to character limits the chapter's name is "Is it 'FwB' if you're married?" instead.**_

* * *

The invasion of the Akatsuki was over. Many brave ninja fought against the 7 ninja (6 with the Rinnegan) who devastated their village, and Naruto Uzumaki, the child of the prophecy, had saved Konoha from certain destruction, and convinced Nagato, the "leader" of the Akatsuki, to use his Outer Path technique to give life to all those he had slain, at the cost of his own.

Naruto sighed. It was all over. He could relax.

But then he saw something quite peculiar.

"DID YOU JUST RIP HIS EYES OUT?!" exclaimed the bewildered blond boy.

"Madara is going to want them," replied the blue haired woman. "It would be better to keep them out of his reach."

"Madara… Uchiha?" asked a bemused Naruto. "Didn't he die a looong time ago?"

"Apparently not," replied Konan. "He was the real leader of the Akatsuki, but we never saw his real face."

"Was Madara that Tobi dude with the Orange mask?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"So he wore the mask because he didn't want you guys seeing his wrinkles or something?"

Konan chuckled.

"Perhaps."

The two talked for a bit, and it turned out that Naruto was very similar to Yahiko, if a bit more blunt.

"He made you dress like frogs?! Damn, I'm glad he didn't make me do that."

"From what you've told me about your mission to retrieve Tsunade, I feel like I would prefer the frog suit."

"I think that's also when I first met Itachi and Kisame. They were like 'We need you to come with us' and for a second I thought they were sexual predators or something. Pretty strange, ya know."

The two continued on until some Konoha Jonin were sent to check on him.

"Naruto! Are you okay?"

"Well, yeah. I'm standing here talking with uh…"

"Konan."

"Konan here, cause we had the same Sensei, ya get me?"

"...she looks like she's the same age as me…"

"I was talking about Pervy- er Jiraiya-Sensei, the one who recently died."

"Oh, uh… I am truly sorry for your loss."

"Come to think of it, we didn't give him a proper funeral yet. Konan, since you were also one of his students, do you want to come?"

Konan was genuinely surprised. She and her teammate had just tried to kill him and his entire village a couple of hours ago, and he had already forgiven them.

Although Nagato's Outer Path technique probably helped.

"I guess I could, but where would I stay? I don't mind sleeping on the streets, but truthfully, I'd like a roof over my head."

"We're going to have to rebuild everything first, actually."

"Oh, right."

And so they back to Konoha to help with the reconstruction effort.

* * *

Over time, the two seemed to become closer, with some villagers even saying that they were in love, despite the nearly 20 year age difference and the fact that Naruto didn't know the difference between Platonic and Romantic love, and despite the fact that Konan might have had one or two screws loose due to her time in the Akatsuki.

This caught the attention of a certain Hyuga heir, who had literally faced down Pain and confessed her love to the blonde boy, in front of the entire village.

Granted, most of the village was dead, but it was still a daunting task.

Hinata was conflicted on whether to be happy for his beloved, or kill the bitch where she stood for making a move on her Naruto-kun.

Even if she didn't know the truth, it didn't help that that the two were getting married.

Truthfully, the two didn't love each other like that. The whole marriage thing was a way for Konan to stay in the village, especially since Tobirama Senju had made immigration laws much stricter under the "Make Konoha Great Again" accords. And since Danzo (who had "convinced" the council to let him serve as the acting 6th Hokage) wasn't too keen on having a former member of the Akatsuki living in his village, the only way to let her stay is if the two got married.

Sure, she could've married some Jonin closer to her actual age, but even though the odds were good, oh man, the goods were odd.

One of the potential Jonin suitors literally ran around in green spandex shouting about the power of youth. Another one literally read porn in public. Sure, it was Jiraiya-Sensei's porn, but it was still porn. And the rest were either boring and not talented, or women, and Konan was straight.

So Yahi- Naruto was the best choice for the time being.

And honestly, Ame would probably be safer without her, as they wouldn't be attacked by Madara.

Thankfully, the "wedding" was something more akin to "going to one of the government buildings and getting a marriage license" rather than "fancy ceremony in which Naruto has to awkwardly explain everything to his friends".

But as they went back, two people ran up to Naruto.

Sakura and Ino.

"Naruto! How could you do such a thing?!" exclaimed Sakura.

"Uh… what are you talking about?" asked a bewildered Naruto.

"You fell in love with her!" exclaimed Ino, who proceeded to point at Konan.

"I did?" asked Naruto. "I wasn't aware of that…"

"BULLSHIT!" shouted Sakura in reply. "YOU'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND THE VILLAGE TOGETHER FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS, TALKING NONSTOP! IT'S CLEAR THAT-"

"There is nothing of that nature between Naruto and I," said Konan, calmly. "We're just friends who bonded over the loss of our Sensei."

"WHAT KIND OF FRIEND STAYS OVER AT SOMEONE'S APARTMENT, HMM?!" exclaimed Ino. "I'VE SEEN YOU TWO WALK OUT OF NARUTO'S APARTMENT TOGETHER! I KNOW YOU TWO ARE PLAYING HIDE THE KUNAI!"

"Uh, she sleeps on the couch," replied Naruto. "And how do you know this?"

"SO THE RUMORS WERE TRUE!" shouted Sakura. "SHE IS SLEEPING AT YOUR PLACE!"

"HEY, YOU TRICKED ME!" exclaimed Naruto. "AND WHY ARE YOU SO MAD ABOUT IT?!"

"YOU BROKE HINATA'S HEART!" replied Ino. "SHE'S LOVED YOU SINCE THE ACADEMY AND-"

"I don't think we were supposed to tell him that," whispered Sakura to Ino.

"She literally confessed to being in love him while fighting Pain!" whispered Ino in reply. "Everyone in the village knows but Naruto."

"Wait, I know Hinata loves me," said Naruto.

Sakura and Ino suddenly looked at him in surprised.

He knew!

"But what's so special about that?I mean, I love ramen, so-"

Sakura then punched Naruto in the stomach, sending him flying back a few feet.

"SAKURAAA!" exclaimed the wounded warrior. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!"

"HOW CAN YOU BE SUCH AN IDIOT?!" shouted Sakura. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT HER LOV-"

Sakura stopped herself.

He was an orphan who grew up being resented by the village.

Of course he wouldn't know exactly what it meant to be loved in a romantic sense.

Sakura went to help up Naruto.

"I'm sorry about the outburst, Naruto. I forgot about your childhood, and all that stuff that happened…"

"It's fine, Sakura," replied Naruto. "But I'm still a bit confused as to what she meant."

"Naruto," said Konan. "She meant that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, and would always accept and appreciate you despite your flaws."

"Oh geez…" said Naruto, who became pensive all of a sudden.

"People in love usually get married," said Ino. "Maybe you could ask Hinata to marry you!"

"Wait…" said Naruto. "Konan, since we're married and all that…" he trailed off before starting again.

"Do you love me?"

Konan froze.

Did she love him?

"Well, we're married," she thought. "But it's similar to one of those political marriages except we're friends…"

"But he reminds me so much of Yahiko…"

"But he's also like 17, which is like a kid…"

"But he's a legal adult since he's at least a Chunin…"

"But they may have changed those laws regarding what defines a legal adult…"

"But we got the marriage license without a problem."

"And he's like Yahiko too, so…"

During her entire mental gymnastics routine, she failed to notice her face turning red.

Her train of thought was interrupted by a loud shout, though.

"WHAT THE FUCK?! ARE YOU ACTUALLY MARRIED?!"

"Well she wanted to stay here so that their leader didn't attack, and the only way Danzo would let us stay is if she had this immigration document, which she could get by marrying a ninja from here, so we both decided it was best if we got married, ya get me?"

"SHE COULD'VE MARRIED A JONIN AROUND HER AGE, NOT A KID LIKE YOU!"

"She didn't want to go out with Kakashi-sensei cause he reads that Icha Icha stuff in public, and Bushier Brows was definitely a no go."

"THOSE TWO AREN'T THE ONLY JONIN YOU KNOW!"

"Well uh, she told me 'Everyone else is either mediocre or a woman, and I'm straight' and then she told me she reminded her of one of her friends, ya get me?"

"ARE YOU SURE SHE ISN'T TRYING TO CAPTURE YOU AND TAKE YOU BACK?"

This got Konan's attention. She was done with the Akatsuki, and didn't want anything to do with Madara and his goons.

"I'm done with the Akatsuki," said Konan, firmly. "I want to achieve true peace, just like Naruto and Jiraiya-sensei, and I want nothing to do with Madara Uchiha and his underlings."

This shut Sakura and Ino up for a few seconds. And after said seconds had passed, they apologized profusely to Konan, which she was partially confused by, but also appreciated.

But they were using "Miss Konan" rather than just "Konan".

Was she that really that old?

* * *

That night, Naruto asked about the possibility of sharing a bed. I mean, it was what married people do, sleep in the same bed and live in the same house and shower together.

That last one was information he procured from Icha-Icha, so he doubted its validity, but it made sense.

"And why do you want me to share a bed with you?" Asked Konan.

"I mean, it's what married people do, right?" Replied Naruto. "Like they share a bed, share a house, share the show-"

"You are definitely Jiraiya-Sensei's student," deadpanned Konan. "But do you know why they share a bed?"

"Not really," replied Naruto.

"It's so they can have sex."

"Yeah that makes sen-"

Naruto's reply was interrupted by a fountain of blood leaving his nostrils.

"You are definitely Jiraiya-sensei's student," said Konan, this time chuckling a bit.

"B-b-but I have no experience with this sort of stuff!" exclaimed Naruto.

"And neither do I," replied Konan.

"But you were in an organization full of men!" Exclaimed Naruto. "How did you not get laid?!"

"Madara is too old, Zetsu is a plant, Nagato is paralyzed from the waist down, the 6th paths of Pain are corpses and therefore can't get 'it' up, Sasori is a puppet, Deidara has those mouth things on his hands, Jashinism preaches abstinence, Kakuzu is also too old and doesn't care about such 'trivial matters', Kisame looks and smells like a fish, and Itachi was so traumatized by his encounter with Orochimaru that he would Tsukuyomi anyone who would even try to touch him in a place or in a way that would make him feel uncomfortable, which would be every place that normal men would usually be touched for this kind of stuff."

"Makes sense."

"And we were so busy extracting the bijuu and doing missions that we never really had time for that sort of screwing around."

"Hah, I get the pun."

"I'll be honest with you though, I am a somewhat curious about this."

"Me too."

And then, there was silence. Neither party wanted to make the first move because it was so terribly awkward.

But eventually, Naruto got fed up with the silence and spoke.

"Wanna do it?"

"Sure."

And then they stripped and proceeded to have the most horribly awkward two hours of their lives, since neither knew what to do and what the other was trying to do. Like, it wasn't the kind of stuff you'd find in a lemon where they're like "Oh yes! Take me!". It was less "hide the kunai in the pouch" and more "ninja with cerebral palsy tries to place kunai in a pouch that moves around weirdly." It was like two teenagers trying to imitate those positions you'd see in adult videos but are actually very uncomfortable and not good for the hiding of the kunai, except they were using their sensei's book as a reference for said positions and were failing badly at imitating them.

And how they felt during the? Just imagine the myth of Sisyphus, but with the rock not even getting close to the top of the hill before rolling back down to the bottom. There was no pleasure, only mild annoyance and occasional screams of pain because someone pulled a muscle.

Basically, it fucking sucked for all parties involved, for Naruto, Konan, any perverts who happened to be watching the two, the spirit of Kushina Uzumaki (though she would've been pissed even if they were enjoying themselves), and surprisingly, not the spirit of Jiraiya (who was honestly not interested in watching his own students imitate his art).

The two decided to give up after Naruto's third leg cramp of the evening, and the two promptly showered and got dressed and went to sleep moderately frustrated.

* * *

At 3 am, there was a knock on the door. And since Naruto was recovering from his injuries. Konan begrudgingly rose from her slumber to answer the door.

"Hellllooo, biiitch…" slurred the woman.

Konan froze.

It was Hinata, the woman that faced down Pain and professed her love for Naruto in front of the entire village.

And she was shitfaced.

"I wannnna s-s-see Naruto now, it's verrrry *hic* important…"

"Why is that?"

"I saw someth-th-thing so disappointing a few hours back, and I juuust wanted to shooow you how it's *hic* done…"

She had watched their botched game of hide the kunai, through the window that was covered by curtains.

She used her Byakugan for peeping?!

Gross!

"It's 3am, why would you even-"

"Shuuut up! *hic* Really, you disap-p-pointed Naruto, not giving him the *hic* treatment he deserves, and-"

"Huh? Who's there at this hour?"

Hinata saw him.

Naruto, the love of her life and the fire of her vuhgyner.

Normally she'd pass out, but she had enough liquid courage in her system to face down Pain again.

"Naruto!" she shouted, tackling the poor boy and giving him marshmallow hell.

"Hinata? What are you-"

And Naruto realized what was happening, and blood shot from his nostrils.

"FUCK WHY DID I IGNORE HER ALL THIS TIME?!" screamed Naruto mentally. "SHE'S LIKE MY SEXY JUTSU BUT REAL!"

"This is *hic* juuust a little taste of what I h-h-have for yooou~ ❤"

"So that's what a heart symbol sounds like," thought Naruto.

Hinata then tossed off her jacket, causing more blood loss for Naruto. Then blah blah blah she had no clothes blah blah blah 乇乂丅尺卂 丅卄工匚匚 blah blah blah Naruto liked it and they went to the bedroom to do stuff.

And Konan just stared throughout the entire ordeal, confused.

But about 5 minutes later, she heard something come from the bedroom.

"Konan! Do you wanna join in? Hinata actually isn't bad at this!"

Wow.

That stung.

But for some reason (read: jealousy and because the readers are perverts) she wanted to prove herself as not bad at 'hide the kunai'.

So blah blah blah Konan had no clothes blah blah blah Konan kiss Naruto blah blah blah Hinata kiss Naruto blah blah blah Konan kiss Hinata.

And then the three naked people flopped around uselessly for another 2 hours.

* * *

 **オマケ**

"THAT CRADLE ROBBING PEDOPHILE!" exclaimed Kushina.

"What's the matter, dear?" asked Minato, confused about his wife's sudden outburst.

"OUR SON IS BEING SCREWED BY SOME THOT WHO'S LIKE 35 OR SOMETHING!"

"It's our son's choice, let him do as he pleases."

"WE WOULD BE 40 IF WE WERE ALIVE! SHE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE HIS MOTHER!"

"But she's not. And if they love each other, let them be."

"THEY ONLY GOT MARRIED SO SHE COULD GET A FUCKING GREEN CARD!"

"That matters because?"

"AND IF NARUTO WAS OUR DAUGHTER AND THAT WAS A MAN, YOU'D BE FLIPPING OUT, TOO!"

"...good point."

"What's the ruckus about," asked Jiraiya.

"OUR SON'S SCREWING SOME THOT WHO'S ALMOST OUR AGE!" replied Kushina.

"Good for him, but I was expecting him to either go for the Hyuga heir or his teammate."

"HE WENT FOR THIS BLUE HAIRED CHICK WHO'S LIKE 35!"

"Blue-haired chic- wait, I need to see this."

He then used the powers of Omake no Jutsu to look upon Naruto and Konan flopping around uselessly.

"Oh dear, that was one of those Rain orphans that I trained. And she's with my godson."

"SEE?! EVEN YOUR SENSEI CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"

"Oh no, they're not doing it right. It's so disappointing, considering they're my students."

"YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PERVERTED SAGE!"

The only thing holding back Kushina Uzumaki was her husband's arms.

If she were to ever be revived by that damned reanimation jutsu, there would be hell to pay on earth.

* * *

 _ **I read this fic where this OC (who was about 14) joined the Akatsuki and smashed with Konan (who would be 32 or 33), and the ridiculousness of it inspired me to write this substory.**_

 _ **But I still want Naruto and Hinata to stay together. So I guess I'll invoke the harem trope or something idk**_


	3. At a loss for words

_**One-shot 0: At a loss for words.**_

* * *

I II

I1 I_

* * *

"IS THAT FUCKING-"

"Yes," I said.

* * *

Naruto ran into the hospital, heart pounding and mind racing.

Something happened to his beloved, and as soon as he opened the doors, his heart was filled with dread.

Quickly, he asked the receptionist where his beloved was.

Five doors down to the left.

Naruto rushed down to the left, and saw his friend, and medical professional, Sakura, outside the 5th door down.

"Sakura, will my beloved make it out alive?"

"Yes, but..."

Naruto didn't even bother to listen, he just opened the doors, and saw his beloved lying on the bed in pain.

"Sasuke!" exclaimed the anguished blonde boy. "Oh my god, are you okay!"

"N-naruto!" replied Sasuke, his body in excruciating pain. "The baby..."

"It died. I'm so sorry."

Naruto was shocked. His and Sasuke's Child would not be brought into this world.

Their little mistake wouldn't have the chance to become a miracle.

Both were at a loss for words.

Tears were streaming down their delicate faces.

It felt like the world was going to end.

So they did the only thing they knew how to do.

"NARUTOOOOOOOOOO!"

"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEE!" 


	4. Minato: Don't outsource your franchise

_**One-shot 1: Minato (**_ _ **ミナト**_ _ **)**_

* * *

"If you move even a single step, Minato, I will kill every single one of these women."

"Minato, just kill him!"

"No, save us!"

"Well, Minato?"

 _*record scratch*_

 _*freeze frame*_

Yup, that's me.

You're probably wondering how I got myself into this situation.

Honestly, things have been going pretty shitty for the longest time.

My parents… they're dead.

I mean, after those purges on anyone who could use chakra, most of the world was killed off.

Emperor Kawaki said the reason the era of ninja had to end was because of the common people being in danger, but honestly, the real reason is probably not like that.

My mom had the Sharingan, which can copy whatever it looks at.

My dad had this weird thing called the Jougan, but it turned into something called the Tenseigan. Apparently grandma's side of the family had the Byakugan, but only my aunt Haruka and my cousin Ino have it.

What sucks though is that I have neither. I just have my mom's normal black eyes, nothing special.

And I forgot to introduce myself.

I'm Minato Itachi Ichiraku, 16 years old, named after my great-grandfather and my grand-uncle. My father is Boruto Uzumaki, and my mother is Sarada Uchiha.

This isn't public knowledge because my family was supposed to be completely purged in the chakra purges, so my "mother" is Ayane Ichiraku, who is the 3rd generation owner of Ichiraku Ramen, and a non-user of chakra.

I live with Ayane, my cousin Ino (who is two years younger), and my aunt Haruka (who's only like six years older than me and who I just call Haruka), and life is for the most part normal.

Sure, sometimes Ino snoops in my room and Haruka and I argue, but in the end, it doesn't matter, and we kiss and make out.

And sometimes more, but after Haruka's scare a few months back, Ayane told us to cut it out, or else she'd punish me on the internet.

Whatever that means.

Either way, I attend Our Lord and Savior Kawaki High School #45, and work at Ichiraku after school ends. I used to be confused as to why we always had to make the noodles, but I later found out that it was cause Haruka unconsciously kneaded chakra into the dough when she was 9, which somehow improved the vitality of whoever ate it, so all of us kids were put to work making chakra noodles, which got us more customers, and we somehow evaded the watchful eyes of the Bureau of Investigation of Taijutsu, Chakra, and Hand-seals (or BITCH for short).

Although the budget cuts to BITCH probably helped a lot.

Either way, life is normal, despite living under a dystopian regime where propaganda against the way of the ninja and bushido and all of the "old ways" is spouted 24/7. They teach us math, language arts, propaganda, science, propaganda, music, and propaganda. My hardest subject is propaganda, as they release a new textbook with new history every year.

And I just realized I'm rambling.

You came for a story, yes?

Well, it started one day as I was sitting during propaganda class.

It was 9:30 AM, and while the lecturer was talking about how Kawaki saved the world for the 564th time, I was thinking about my family.

"So she says she's my Aunty, but she's actually my first-cousin once removed," I thought to myself.

I was snapped back to reality when the lecturer called on me.

"Mr. Ichiraku! Why is our lord and savior Kawaki important?"

"He brought about the end of the barbaric ages and ushered our world into a new age of prosperity!"

"Good. I know you weren't paying attention, but you're the main character so no one cares."

What does he mean by main character?

"Oh, and we have a transfer student."

And then said transfer student walked into the room.

"Just go and introduce yourself, mmmkay?"

"My name is Shizuka Kakei. I want to live an interesting life. My hobbies are-"

"Okay, go sit next to the blonde haired boy over there."

I've seen enough anime to see where this is going.

"Sensei, can I switch with Kobe?"

"No."

Shit.

She came and sat by me.

"I'm Shizuka Kakei. Nice to meet you"

"I'm Minato Ichiraku. Likewise."

And then class continued until lunch.

During lunch, she decided to sit by my friends, for some reason.

"So I know you're Minato, but who are your friends?"

"I'm Chotto Amai, nice to meet you." said my slightly pudgy friend.

"Shikattanai Noguchi." said the emo whose friendship I treasure.

"Blues Lee, ready to jam~ 🎶" said the martial artist who was one of the best damn guitar players in the nation.

I never knew how he made that sound with his mouth.

"I see," she said. "Can I eat lunch with you guys?"

"Sure," I replied.

I mean, what was the worst that could happen, right?

That night, after Ichiraku closed, Haruka, Ino, and I went into the basement to look at some old scrolls. No, that's not an innuendo. We were actually trying to study the mechanics of Chakra, as usual.

I mean afterwards was a different story, but we actually wanted to learn this stuff, cause it's our heritage.

And really, the idea of being able to shoot fire out of my mouth was cool.

I ran through the basic Hand Seals, as well as basic chakra control exercises, life sticking paper to yourself. Walking on water would be too obvious, and we could only stand on walls due to it making too much noise if we walked.

So basically, we were at a much worse state than our parents, like, we were even worse than them when they were like 9 years old.

Training was smooth, and after we were done, we decided to go out for some ice cream.

God damn, l love ice cream.

I love to watch Ino and Haruka eat ice cream too. Turns my soft serve into a popsicle.

Either way, on our way back home, we found ourselves surrounded by some officers from BITCH.

"We've detected chakra from this area of town, do you kids know anything about this?"

"No, sir," replied Haruka. "Probably a glitch in your systems. Budget cuts suck, ya get me?"

"That's rich, coming from someone with the Biyakewgan," replied the officer. "Now tell me the truth."

"The fuck's a Biyakewgan?" asked Haruka, who took a hit from her E-cig, and started to blow an absolutely phat cloud 💯🔥 #lit.

"And it's pronounced Byakugan."

At that moment Ino and I dived down.

And the vape cloud exploded.

And left a charred and bloody mess of the officer in front of us.

"RUN!" shouted Haruka, ignoring the fact that it was midnight.

And so we ran.

And as we ran, I looked at the two, and really began to appreciate the view of the girls bouncing.

Unfortunately, my art appreciation session was cut short by some BITCHes who began to fire at us with their guns.

Luckily, Ino knew what to do.

She spun around and surrounded us in a shell of her own chakra, bouncing the bullets back at the BITCHes. It lasted for less than a second, but I swear that I could see the bullets bouncing back at them.

We kept running, killing the occasional BITCH, but when we finally made it back to Ichiraku, we saw a sight that was horrible.

Ayane was tied up, naked, and covered in bugs. I would've taken a moment to appreciate the view if it weren't for those two guys standing near her.

The first guy had on aviator shades (even though it was midnight) and a trenchcoat. He glanced at us with an amused expression, like "Imma fuck these kids up!" or something.

Basically, he was an edgelord.

The second guy was wearing a black motorcycle helmet, as well as a black bodysuit. For some reason, he was carrying a backpack.

"Well, if it isn't the Ichiraku brats."

"I'm twenty-two you fucking idiot! Let Ayane go!"

"And I should listen to you because?"

Haruka took out her e-cig, and blew another phat cloud 💯🔥 #lit.

"We get it, you vape."

"That's not all, dude."

And in that moment, I knew what I had to do.

I quickly blew out air from my mouth, and enhanced it with chakra, sending the cloud to the first guy. And as soon as it reached him, Haruka blew it up, blasting the bastard backwards.

But to our collective surprise, he survived mostly unharmed.

"Try harder, I'll wait."

Oh hell to the no.

I quickly did some Hand-seals, and quickly fired an array of fireballs at the edgelord.

He, of course, dodged all three of them and responded by sending a cloud of bugs at me.

Ino tried her hand at attacking the buggy bastard too, but he would either dodge or use his bugs to make clones of himself. And every time those bugs actually bite us, we'd feel weaker. I mean bug bites hurt like a bitch each time, but you normally don't feel drained after a bug bite, ya know?

Basically, these little bastards were parasitic, and they ate chakra.

Meanwhile, Haruka was jumping between fighting the 2nd guy, and getting the bugs off of Ayane.

The 2nd guy was just fighting with hand to hand combat (Taijutsu?) and she seemed to be holding her own just fine.

So for now, Ino and I would just focus on fighting Insect Edgelord.

I blasted fireballs from my mouth, while Ino try and go in for physical strikes against him.

And at first, it didn't seem to be working.

But as the fight went on, Coldsteel the Edgebug started to rely on his insects less and less, and dodging more and more.

"Ino!" I shouted to my cousin. "He has a limited amount of bugs! Just keep going for them and he'll back off!"

"Bruh what the fuck," said the school-shooter looking ass. "I didn't even say shit about that and you figured it out. Also, why are your eyes red? You got some kind of disease?"

Wait, my eyes were red?

Holy fuck, I have a Sharingan!

That moment, I glanced at Haruka taking a phat 💯🔥 #lit hit from her e-cig, and I instantly knew how it worked.

And now knowing how to use this new skill, I use a baggie of weed that I found on the ground, and took a phat 💯🔥 #lit hit from a blunt I made from a dollar bill, and quickly immobilized him with the dank kush smoke. It felt so nice that I almost forgot to explode it.

And when I did explode it, his fucking head blew up and a bunch of bugs flew out of it, and flew into a sewer vent.

Ew.

Thankfully, the bugs on Ayane flew out with the rest of the bugs.

I couldn't help but stare.

"Minato," she said. "What are you-"

She was cut off by a wave of sand snatching her up.

"Ayane!" we shouted, as the man with the motorcycle helmet walked over towards us.

"The father is thirsty," he said in a creepy monotone.

"Wait, the father?" asked Haruka. "Who?"

"Our lord and savior, dumbass," he replied, this time in a sarcastic tone.

"The father gave me the gift of life, and I shall devote this gift to maintaining his reign."

Ino turned to me and whispered "I think he has some kind of Bipolar Disorder."

"She's right," he replied, while picking her and Haruka up with sand, while dangling them by their ankles.

I would've appreciated the sight if the guy wasn't so damn creepy.

"If you move even a single step, Minato, I will kill every single one of these women."

"Minato, just kill him!"

"No, save us!"

"Well, Minato?"

Oh shit.

I love these women. Like, as family, and in other ways. So I don't want them to die.

But then again, he'd probably kill them anyway. But then again…

"Minato?" he asked.

"I'll uh-"

I was cut off by the sight of a huge blue spiraling sphere being slammed into the biker sand dude.

"Oh, it's the transfer student."

"I literally introduced myself today, and you don't even call me my name?"

"How did you do that?"

"Scientific Ninja Tool; I'll explain it later. Now come with me if you want to live."

"Can I get our Jutsu scrolls first?"

"No need, I got them."

"Cool."

So the four of us went with her.

When we finally got to her place, it seemed like a normal temple in the woods.

But then she did a bunch of Hand Seals, and the floor literally opened up, revealing a staircase spiraling down into the depths of the earth.

"I'm cold, can you me something to wear?"

I responded by picking her up and letting her ride me.

On my back.

A piggyback ride.

"My back is still a bit cold."

So then I carried her in the front instead.

And that day, I knew I would die happy.

"I mean your arms are- ooh! Covering part of my back but it's still a little cold…"

So I flipped her around and carried her facing forward.

That day, I knew that no matter how I died, even if it was by getting my teeth cut out by nail clippers, I would die happy..

"Hey, we're here."

I put down Ayane and saw that there were halls sprawling as far as the eye could see.

"This used to be one of Orochimaru's hideouts, but we refurbished it to be a lot more liveable. It even has access to most major areas in Kawaki Metropolis."

"Sweet."

"Here, I'll show you guys to your room."

So she walked us to our room.

"There's a bathroom, and a sofa. Sorry that there's only one bed."

"Oh, we don't mind."

I then gave a lewd smirk to Haruka, Ino, and Ayane.

Shizuka didn't seem phased.

"I'm gonna go shower," I said.

As I showered, I heard giggles and girly stuff like that.

What the hell are they up to?

I left the shower wearing only a towel to cover my legs, and I saw that they were wearing even less clothing than me.

Sweet.

Ayane walked up to me and pressed her lips against mine, then quickly pulling away.

"It's about time I gave you a reward for your hard work at Ichiraku~ ❤"

"How do you do that with your mouth?"

"I'll show you~ ❤"

She then pressed her lips against mine, proceeding to use her tongue this time.

"Ayane, stop hogging him," I heard Haruka whine.

Moments later, I felt my towel dropping to the floor, and an amazing yet familiar sensation.

Haruka was sucking my-

" _Okay, I'm going to have to stop you there."_

" _But why? It was just getting to the good part, Kishimoto-sensei."_

" _I want to discuss the strengths and weaknesses of this… concept of yours, Mr. Fushimi."_

" _I would be glad to hear about what you think, Kishimoto-sensei."_

" _Let's start with the Strengths. Your dialogue and narration are both very unique, and somewhat funny at times."_

" _Anything else?"_

" _Uh… the names are good I guess."_

" _Alright."_

" _As for weaknesses…"_

 _Kishimoto readjusted his reading glasses._

" _Well your setting is cliche; it's a cross between Shimoneta and some regular High School anime. In addition, your characters are bland and are too overpowered."_

" _I mean, Boruto could use 3 nature releases at the beginning of his-"_

" _That's beside the point. Your characters have no personality."_

" _That's just because I haven't had a chance to flesh them out."_

" _Excuses, excuses. If I was able to establish Naruto as an idiot in the first few pages, then you should be able to establish Minato as something besides a depraved pervert within the first few paragraphs. And please, for the love of god, stop the incest, please. Why is Minato sleeping with his two cousins and adoptive mother?! I mean, that's pure degeneracy!"_

" _The fans eat that shit up! I mean Oreimo and Eromanga Sensei are selling-"_

" _That's just a niche group of creepy weirdos, not the general population."_

" _Why would you complain?! They'd be making you so much money from all the figurines and body pillows you'd be selling. I'm speaking from-"_

" _Look Mr. Fushimi, my franchise is about ninjas and combat and friendship and teamwork, not depraved fetishes like sleeping with one's relatives. I believe our discussion is done. Please leave."_

" _YOU'RE A DAMN FOOL KISHIMOTO-SENSEI! ONE DAY, MY FRANCHISES WILL BE MORE POPULAR THAN YOURS, AND I'LL BE EVEN RICHER THAN-"_

 _Fushimi was quickly lifted into the air by the neck by Kishimoto's left hand. Fushimi saw that there was a spiralling blue ball forming in his other hand._

" _If you ever step into this room while I'm in it, or if you ever try to contact me and/or my family, or if you ever go within 50 kilometers of me and/or my family, I will shove this Rasengan straight up your disgusting ass. Am I clear?"_

" _Yes, Kishimoto-sensei," Fushimi said, meekly._

" _Alright. Thank you for your time."_

 _Fushimi bowed to Kishimoto, and then walked out of the room, at a normal pace._

 _After he left the room, however, he sprinted as far away as he could from the building, getting on the earliest train back home, and sprinting home afterward._

 _When he finally got home, he sighed._

" _Man, I wonder if sis wants to sleep over tonight."_

* * *

 **オマケ**

 _Kishimoto sighed._

 _Today had been a rough day._

 _He had interviewed about 200 people regarding their pitch for the sequel to Boruto._

 _And every single pitch was terrible._

 _They were all high school fantasies or gritty reboots, all trying to pander to existing Otaku._

 _Really, it's like they didn't care about making new Otaku._

 _It was worse than the first American Naruto Fan Celebration._

 _At least he had his wife and son to come home to._

 _When he got home, his wife was cooking dinner, and his son was helping._

" _Welcome home dear. Would you like dinner, your bath, or me?"_

" _Mom, that's gross."_

" _You didn't hear me complain when your brought home your girlfriend."_

" _Mom, I'm 14."_

" _I want to die," said Kishimoto._

" _Same," replied his son. "I hate differential equations."_

" _They're teaching you that these days? Back in my day, we were just starting Calculus at 14."_

" _Dad, I wanna get into Toudai, so I gotta take these classes."_

" _You already got a full ride to Harvard and Oxford, and you still want to go to Toudai?"_

" _Everyone else wants to go to Toudai."_

" _And you want to be like everyone else because?"_

" _I feel the societal pressure to either conform or be an outcast."_

" _Do you enjoy it?"_

" _Not really, to be honest."_

" _If you go to Harvard or Oxford, you can escape that pressure and be who you want to be."_

" _Hmm, I'll think about it. Thanks, dad."_

" _No problem, kiddo."_

 _This made Kishimoto realize something._

" _All this talk of schools… wait! I got it."_

 _Kishimoto rushed up to his studio, and began to sketch stuff._

" _It's perfect!"_

" _What's perfect, dear?" asked his wife._

" _I have the perfect idea!"_

" _That's great, dear! Now come down for dinner."_

 _And so Kishimoto walked down to the table, ready to eat dinner with his family._

" _What's this great idea, dad?"_

" _It's something new, fresh and exciting?"  
"Really? What's it called?"_

 _Kishimoto paused for a second._

" _Konoha Gakuen_ _× Ginpachi Sensei!"_

" _Dad."_

" _Dear."_

" _Yes?"_

" _Your franchise is about ninjas and combat and friendship and teamwork, not high school. Our discussion is done. Please eat dinner."_

* * *

 ** _Let's hope this doesn't become the future of Kishimoto-sensei's franchise._**

 _ **I**_ _ **f you can guess the lineages of Mr. Fushimi's OCs in the review section, then I'll put you in an upcoming chapter!**_


End file.
